GrowingForChrist

Faith, Family, Love and Reviews

The death of our dreams

on January 28, 2015

When one’s spouse passes away one thing that the surviving spouse must do is not just face the death of their loved on but also the death of the dreams that hadn’t come to fruition.  It’s one thing that I’ve been ruminating on lately – all the dreams that have died with my husband.  He and I loved to travel – and when finances allowed we’d find someplace to travel to – that may have been to Sandusky and Kelley’s Island or to Kentucky or to Tennessee.  One place we wanted to go was to Europe, we both wanted to visit Ireland and he wanted to see Greece and I wanted to see Germany.  The land of our ancestors.  We never came up with a ‘bucket’ list because we both thought the idea of that was lame but we had dreams.

  • we both wanted more children – either biologically or adopted – this is a huge one as we both didn’t feel our family was finished.  I do believe though that the Lord was saving me from further heart ache by not allowing me to be pregnant or having an infant or toddler while dealing with the grief and loss of my husband. Of course that doesn’t mean I’m not sad.
  • we wanted to establish a DD transportation company when he retired in just 7 years!  We were going to invest in a bus and transport clients to and from the local workshops in our area.
  • then there are the small dreams – seeing our children perform in their dances, seeing our son progress in his karate and move up in his obi’s, weddings, graduations, father-daughter dances.
  • our dream to grow old together and see our grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Now the future generations won’t know their wonderful, kind-hearted (great) Grandpa.

This is just a short list of the dreams that have died.  There are more like him wanting to see Bob Smiley in April at the homeschool convention.  Wanting to go to concerts and ball games.  While I need to talk about his memory – the good times and even sometimes the bad – I need to remember the dreams.  I need to remember what we aspired to be as a couple.  We met with disagreement from those who didn’t think we took enough time for us, for our marriage.  In the last year we became more focused on us.  I tried to be more aware of his needs and he mine.  No, we didn’t do date nights as they simply weren’t feasible or financially able to be done.  We talked more, held hands more – we simply loved.

Honestly, this is one thing that makes me mad – is the death of our dreams.  I know my hubby no longer has any issues with his heart or his weight – he is free from all that but we had things to finish, we had dreams to carry out.  I know the Lord has some plan in this – but it doesn’t take the ache away, it doesn’t dry the tears – and yes I would like to know His plans.  I know there are dreams for those who lose a sibling, parent, grandparent, but when one loses a spouse especially those who literally became one the dreams seems much more bigger – the loss seems bigger.  There are things that can’t be done without a spouse and so the space can’t be filled by a surviving sibling or parent – unless one re-marries but then there is a chance the new spouse won’t have the same dreams that the spouse who passed did.

As a widow I’m not merely mourning the loss of my husband, I’m also mourning the loss of my protector, my co-dreamer, my protector, the dad to our children, the principal of our school and so much more.  Some say the pain will lessen over time – I don’t think so – maybe, but at this point I don’t see it.  There are so many things that I’ve learned that come with a spouse’s passing – the death of the dreams is just one of them.  Some have said not to dwell on the loss of the dreams but on the other hand our dreams showed what kind of people we were, what kind of couple we were – we were different, we weren’t content to sit at home and watch travel shows, we wanted to be part of them.  We weren’t content to let others serve, we had to serve – whether it was hubby’s coaching the Special Olympics softball team for our County or us as a family serving a meal at Interfaith.  So while our dreams won’t come to fruition I also know I won’t let our dreams dies – even if it only means remembering and talking about them – they show who we were and where we wanted to go.

(c) 2015, Sarah Bailey/Growing for Christ, All Rights Reserved, Unauthorized Duplication is a Violation of Applicable Laws

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4 responses to “The death of our dreams

  1. pierceclark says:

    I’m so sorry about this for you, dear Sarah. This is so hard, and I often pray for you. In all of my experiences (I’m nearing 70 years young), when a negative thing came…….God always created good out of it. Oh, it is so hard to see that now! God has his arms around you every second.

  2. Yes. mourning the loss of your shared dreams is an important part of the grieving process. It’s a real loss. But, in time, dear Sarah, the Lord will fill your heart with new dreams. I can’t tell you when because even I’m not at that point fully yet, 19 mos into this journey. But the dreams ARE slowly beginning to take shape. Take your time, mourn the losses, and cling to Jesus.

  3. Smitti says:

    Sarah, thank you for sharing online. I’m not sure how I happened upon your blog, but it’s been a blessing to me. You are an inspiration!

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