I have hope.
I didn’t think that I would be able to ever say or think that again back in December of 2014.
I knew then and I know now that God is there – He is for me and with me BUT in the midst of grief, caring for my children, planning a funeral – one doesn’t recognize that all the time – all you can personally feel, see, touch, taste is the grief.
I’ve lost before – all my Grandparents are gone. I lost class mates in high school. I’m no stranger to loss but I’ve never lost a spouse and that is a loss so different from losing a friend, a Grandparent – it rips a hole in your heart, your mind, your soul that feels like it will never mend.
Going to bed alone at night.
Reaching for a hand that isn’t there.
Wanting to make a phone call to a person who can’t answer.
In Ecclesiastes 3 we are told (not including the whole text here):
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Don’t get me wrong – I’m no where near acceptance but I’m finding it a little bit easier to find hope in the everyday.
I don’t dread going out into public like I did the first two months.
I can tell people easier, not without tears, but I’m not hysterical like I was in January had someone asked.
There is still a time to weep and we just did that on Sunday in church as a young lady sang a song about earthly and Heavenly dads.
There will be no dad to protect my girls from boys. Their husbands will never know the man they are measured against.
So we are still weeping.
We are laughing – when we remember Don’s laugh or one of his many sayings:
“It builds character”
We can remember him with laughter and I find myself laughing at life. Watching my son at a karate tournament, where even though he didn’t place, he was MUCH improved from the last one – Don would be happy.
Lately, I’ve been taking solace in journaling and Bible journaling – drawing, writing, painting, and stamping in my Bible gives me a relaxing way to get into God’s Word and soak it up. Many verses have been speaking to me and one day I’ll have a keepsake my children and grandchildren and hopefully great grandchildren can treasure and see the legacy I’ve left for them.
March 9th was Don’s birthday. He would have been 45. On the 13th we marked the 3 month mark of his passing.
We put flowers and released balloons at the cemetery. We laughed. We laughed that he would have been upset that I spent good money, even if it was only $6.99 for crazy daises. We laughed that he would complain I spent too much money on his casket. We cried that he was gone.
We also agreed that on this birthday he didn’t have to go to work, he was not in ANY pain, he wasn’t stressed about bills. We cried that he isn’t here, I know he’s with the Lord but he isn’t here and so we come back to the point where I’m not at acceptance. Even three months later I’m still waiting for him to come through the door, although not as much as I was in December.
The sound of his laughter is fading. The sound of his voice is fading. The feel of his soft skin and beautiful hands is fading. The only smell of him is what is left in his cologne bottle. My son even told me the other day, I can’t remember what dad sounded like.
This post isn’t about tears though – it’s about hope and while I feel guilty for laughing, for living, I also know Don would not want me wallowing in sorrow. He was never one to let the world get him down, oh he may have gotten sad, or mad but he wouldn’t stay down. He would want me to have hope.
The sun has been out quite a bit lately and that helps. It tells me spring is here, even if it’s still cold,
The Son gives me hope for where I’ll be when I pass – while the Bible tells us there will not be husband and wife, mother or father in Heaven, I think we’ll know each other and I’ll get to see Don in his glorified body. I’d like to think he’ll be there waiting for me with our baby we lost, standing next to my Grandparents and Great Grandparents, welcoming me home and the Lord most of all and I pray to hear the words “well done, good and faithful servant”.
So I have hope – yes there are still days of tears and pain but there is also the days of laughter and joy. Even as I finalized the order for our cemetery marker I felt a bit of hope – it wasn’t too fancy but honors who we are/were – husband and wife, son and daughter, and the parents of three wonderful, if sometimes trying, children. It symbolizes our faith and will show the legacy we’ve left.
Hope, because sometimes that is all we have to hold to.
(c) 2015, Sarah Bailey/Growing for Christ, All Rights Reserved, Unauthorized Duplication is a Violation of Applicable Laws